Fallout Girl: It's Not You, Its Me

 

Looking to (do) the right (thing).

I call myself the "fallout girl" for a reason. I noticed that I am good at making friends despite being an ambivert. The only problem is that many of the friendships I form tend to fall away after a certain period, a few years, or even decades. That is for many various reasons, mostly shallow. 

Most often, I consider myself a misunderstood human being. Whenever I think of this, I wallow in my solitude and, sometimes, weeping silently. Yeah, overdramatic, I know! But it happens occasionally during bouts of hormonal imbalance (or during that time of the month)! 😁😁 

I try fighting off that feeling and thought by praying, asking God, and engaging in humorous conversations with my husband and son. If they're not around, I read or watch something funny. These habits affect me positively because I can cultivate my wit and sense of conversational humor. Then again, it's to enhance my people skills.

Returning to the concept of falling out, I got the urge to write about it after discovering (again) that a couple of FB (former) friends had unfriended me. The consolation is at least they did not block me. In this situation, I don't know why. As far as I know, I did not do anything offensive. We used to be close at work and had many collaborations. But yes, we have grown silent toward each other after leaving my former office. I assume (yes, typical of me) that some rumors may have fueled this cold treatment, that I do not meet their friendship standards. It's a long story stemming from my recommendation to fire an unruly subordinate. That subordinate was a close friend of one of these people who unfriended me. It's a sad narrative, the best and only reason I know.

I can go on telling stories about friends who used to be close to me but have veered away. I can also tell things about interesting new people and friends who remain in close contact despite the distance and time difference, and I know they still appreciate me as I am.

But why am I more disappointed in those who are not that close but I had a falling out with? Rejection hurts. Maybe I am still not tough enough to accept that friends change. I should remember that it does not only happen to me. It happens to the best of us, to those who are gold medalists in the people arena. But still, it's disappointing! And I only blame myself for why I am not good at it. Why I am a "fallout girl." 

It's good that I have a strong family foundation and a husband who enlightens me on issues and rebukes me lovingly. If not, I may have fallen into the pit of social sadness. 

Social media has an impact on this. I'm not exactly a Facebook superstar, and many of my posts only go so far. It's not that I want to be popular or deeply affected by the analytics. It's just tiring to see the fakeness of most posts, so to speak. The worst part is I have an opinion about many of what I read. This means I tend to be critical (if you want to say judgmental) and end up sinning. So, this year, I'll start minimizing my online activities on Facebook. The best I could do is post one or a couple of stories. I wanted to deactivate it, but I handle various accounts for work and other purposes. Sadly.

Again, this is the most candid I could be. If you have any comments or advice, I'd appreciate it. 

Starting the year not overthinking, being happier, wittier, healthier, sweeter, and more loving toward others. With God's help, I know I can say, "It's not me. It's Him." 

 

  

Life's Foggy Like That

 

Foggy at 7 PM near my son's apartment. I thought it is snowing already.

Sometimes, life presents a clear vision of what you are now and what's up ahead. However, there are times when life is foggy. Everything seems unclear. 

With many decisions in the offing, you find yourself which one/s to choose, which road to take, or which ones to avoid. The good thing is, before you know it, you have already passed through it. Things naturally happen on its own. It could be like that or you are too preoccupied too notice the change the process brings.

Maybe the long-term foggy season is why some of the people in my life, mostly family, were not able to make wise life decisions. This, in the long run, paved the way to all their miseries. As a person who cares so much about their well-being and life status, I could only pray and cry silently as I empathize. There is nothing much I could do. I support them in the way that I can, in any other form. But the power to change the whole course of their lives sits on their mindset. I believe God has reached out to them many times. Heardened hearts would only hear what they want to hear.

As I reflect on what's happening to them, I could only wish that somehow, they could also benefit from the same kind of joy that I have. It is not material-driven. It is not situational. Even if I have my own troubles, doubts, and fears, it is very reassuring that God is with me through it all. I often think about this for them because I care. 

Life is not fair. But we all have a part in it. How we respond to situations, how we plan, how we involve God in our daily lives --- those are the important parts. In the end, it is always between you and God. Let's not waste our lives trying to be our own gods. We must all admit that we are powerless and there is a more powerful Being whom we have to answer to when our time is up.

As for my brother and sister, who are undergoing so much pain, unhappiness, and deep bondage to sin, I hope, pray, and sincerely want you to reach a life breakthrough that would make you realize the majesty and glory of our Lord. He will never forsake anyone who loves to have a renewed life, here and in eternity.