Love and Wounds: Notes from "I am Not a Robot"

"The stronger the love, the deeper the wound."

How a romantic-comedy Korean drama reminded me of the truth behind these words uttered by the best friend of the show's main character. I wasn't keen on watching I am Not a Robot because the trailer looked like a sci-fi comedy. But after watching half of the first episode, I'm hooked!

Going back to the quote, I think that caring deeply and hurting deeply go together. The more one is highly involved with one person's life, and if something goes wrong, the pain of falling out is usually unbearable at first. 

I can remember some instances in the distant past when this happened. The betrayal, the non-closure, the cutting-off, and those questions in your head about why it happened. Human relationships are bound by such experience. The more you live, the more you love, the more you become vulnerable, and the deeper the pain (if things didn't work out).

I also recall a best friend in the not-so-distant past. It was a case of doing what was right despite the heartbreak that accompanied my decision. I knew I was going to lose him as a best friend. My family was going to lose him, too. But the right thing to do outweighs all that was going to be gone. I regretted it. To be honest. I loved having him and his family around. Our families loved each other like an extended family. We were tighter than our real extended families. But I guess, the inevitable must happen. I had sleepless nights, those times asking God if I was doing the right thing. But there I did it! We lost each other. I hurt him so much that he wouldn't accept my apologies. 

That quote brings me back to those days when I would have trust issues. My parents would not tell me the truth because they were trying to hide some things so that I would try what they want me to do. For example, when I asked if a certain dish contained pork (because I don't eat pork), my dad or mom would say it had no pork even if there was. I know it was a simple thing. But there were more serious instances when they would not tell me the truth because they thought I would get upset. Or they thought I would get angry at my brother. But of course, later on, the truth would reveal itself. That was when I knew I was a gullible person. I was trusting too much. I learned how to become skeptical later on because of those past trust issues. I choose whom to trust. I'm still unsure most of the time, but I would always take a risk. I often expose myself to the vulnerabilities of human relationships. I don't know why. It's how I was wired, maybe.

Anyway, that best friend who would not accept my apologies remains estranged from us.

That lesson from I am Not a Robot reminded me of our humanness. Love and wounds co-exist on a plane that sets a blurry line between love and hate, between trust and mistrust. 

You know you have this melange of emotions. Perhaps, I can say I am not a robot.