Love and Wounds: Notes from "I am Not a Robot"

"The stronger the love, the deeper the wound."

How a romantic-comedy Korean drama reminded me of the truth behind these words uttered by the best friend of the show's main character. I wasn't keen on watching I am Not a Robot because the trailer looked like a sci-fi comedy. But after watching half of the first episode, I'm hooked!

Going back to the quote, I think that caring deeply and hurting deeply go together. The more one is highly involved with one person's life, and if something goes wrong, the pain of falling out is usually unbearable at first. 

I can remember some instances in the distant past when this happened. The betrayal, the non-closure, the cutting-off, and those questions in your head about why it happened. Human relationships are bound by such experience. The more you live, the more you love, the more you become vulnerable, and the deeper the pain (if things didn't work out).

I also recall a best friend in the not-so-distant past. It was a case of doing what was right despite the heartbreak that accompanied my decision. I knew I was going to lose him as a best friend. My family was going to lose him, too. But the right thing to do outweighs all that was going to be gone. I regretted it. To be honest. I loved having him and his family around. Our families loved each other like an extended family. We were tighter than our real extended families. But I guess, the inevitable must happen. I had sleepless nights, those times asking God if I was doing the right thing. But there I did it! We lost each other. I hurt him so much that he wouldn't accept my apologies. 

That quote brings me back to those days when I would have trust issues. My parents would not tell me the truth because they were trying to hide some things so that I would try what they want me to do. For example, when I asked if a certain dish contained pork (because I don't eat pork), my dad or mom would say it had no pork even if there was. I know it was a simple thing. But there were more serious instances when they would not tell me the truth because they thought I would get upset. Or they thought I would get angry at my brother. But of course, later on, the truth would reveal itself. That was when I knew I was a gullible person. I was trusting too much. I learned how to become skeptical later on because of those past trust issues. I choose whom to trust. I'm still unsure most of the time, but I would always take a risk. I often expose myself to the vulnerabilities of human relationships. I don't know why. It's how I was wired, maybe.

Anyway, that best friend who would not accept my apologies remains estranged from us.

That lesson from I am Not a Robot reminded me of our humanness. Love and wounds co-exist on a plane that sets a blurry line between love and hate, between trust and mistrust. 

You know you have this melange of emotions. Perhaps, I can say I am not a robot.

What "Glory Days?"

Moving forward, forgetting the past. This message clearly spoke to me one Sunday as it became the main point of our pastor's preaching. 

Bound for the rainbow's end.

Our God is a blesser of material things. But since we moved to Malaysia and since I left my former job, God has been imparting to me His spiritual blessings more. I used to work for the U.S. Government for almost nine years. Never had I imagined living in Malaysia. I had the opportunity to start a new life in the U.S. But we’re here. Now I know why. It’s because He’s telling me to forget the so-called “glory days.” He wants me to do more work FOR HIM this time. He prospered me before, now it’s time to bring Him back the glory. What pastor said that nobody is indispensable and that you are as good as your last project, that is so on point.

 
The concept of an eternal perspective is becoming clearer to me as we live here. Since the pandemic, I never thought I’d be able to lead two life groups or share the Gospel with many people. The Holy Spirit has been generous in empowering me, in removing the fear of rejection. I’m moved to see them accept Jesus as their Savior. I also discipled two desperate people. One of them was on the verge to kill herself but then she received my simple “How are you?” message. She said my timing was Godsent. I was like: “Really?” while scratching my clueless head. I saw God’s hands moving in their lives as I led them to Christ, with His solutions to their seemingly insurmountable problems. That built my faith, too. That friend who was about to commit suicide has found a job and she’s been thankful to God. The other person is back with her family after surviving as a cash-strapped worker here. Big God, indeed! 

You see, I appreciate all the great material opportunities: finishing a book, a small coffee business, and a scholarship offer by a government university in Sydney, among the many. My heart is humbled and overwhelmed. But the weight of the spiritual blessings seems to matter more to me now, to my surprise. I guess I’m being changed. I’m looking forward to the greater prize that awaits as I forget the past earthly glories without regrets. 

Glory to our Lord!

(I read this as part of our church's Worship and Prayer Night in April. I was asked to share if I have a testimony about how amazing our God is.)