Love and Wounds: Notes from "I am Not a Robot"

"The stronger the love, the deeper the wound."

How a romantic-comedy Korean drama reminded me of the truth behind these words uttered by the best friend of the show's main character. I wasn't keen on watching I am Not a Robot because the trailer looked like a sci-fi comedy. But after watching half of the first episode, I'm hooked!

Going back to the quote, I think that caring deeply and hurting deeply go together. The more one is highly involved with one person's life, and if something goes wrong, the pain of falling out is usually unbearable at first. 

I can remember some instances in the distant past when this happened. The betrayal, the non-closure, the cutting-off, and those questions in your head about why it happened. Human relationships are bound by such experience. The more you live, the more you love, the more you become vulnerable, and the deeper the pain (if things didn't work out).

I also recall a best friend in the not-so-distant past. It was a case of doing what was right despite the heartbreak that accompanied my decision. I knew I was going to lose him as a best friend. My family was going to lose him, too. But the right thing to do outweighs all that was going to be gone. I regretted it. To be honest. I loved having him and his family around. Our families loved each other like an extended family. We were tighter than our real extended families. But I guess, the inevitable must happen. I had sleepless nights, those times asking God if I was doing the right thing. But there I did it! We lost each other. I hurt him so much that he wouldn't accept my apologies. 

That quote brings me back to those days when I would have trust issues. My parents would not tell me the truth because they were trying to hide some things so that I would try what they want me to do. For example, when I asked if a certain dish contained pork (because I don't eat pork), my dad or mom would say it had no pork even if there was. I know it was a simple thing. But there were more serious instances when they would not tell me the truth because they thought I would get upset. Or they thought I would get angry at my brother. But of course, later on, the truth would reveal itself. That was when I knew I was a gullible person. I was trusting too much. I learned how to become skeptical later on because of those past trust issues. I choose whom to trust. I'm still unsure most of the time, but I would always take a risk. I often expose myself to the vulnerabilities of human relationships. I don't know why. It's how I was wired, maybe.

Anyway, that best friend who would not accept my apologies remains estranged from us.

That lesson from I am Not a Robot reminded me of our humanness. Love and wounds co-exist on a plane that sets a blurry line between love and hate, between trust and mistrust. 

You know you have this melange of emotions. Perhaps, I can say I am not a robot.

What "Glory Days?"

Moving forward, forgetting the past. This message clearly spoke to me one Sunday as it became the main point of our pastor's preaching. 

Bound for the rainbow's end.

Our God is a blesser of material things. But since we moved to Malaysia and since I left my former job, God has been imparting to me His spiritual blessings more. I used to work for the U.S. Government for almost nine years. Never had I imagined living in Malaysia. I had the opportunity to start a new life in the U.S. But we’re here. Now I know why. It’s because He’s telling me to forget the so-called “glory days.” He wants me to do more work FOR HIM this time. He prospered me before, now it’s time to bring Him back the glory. What pastor said that nobody is indispensable and that you are as good as your last project, that is so on point.

 
The concept of an eternal perspective is becoming clearer to me as we live here. Since the pandemic, I never thought I’d be able to lead two life groups or share the Gospel with many people. The Holy Spirit has been generous in empowering me, in removing the fear of rejection. I’m moved to see them accept Jesus as their Savior. I also discipled two desperate people. One of them was on the verge to kill herself but then she received my simple “How are you?” message. She said my timing was Godsent. I was like: “Really?” while scratching my clueless head. I saw God’s hands moving in their lives as I led them to Christ, with His solutions to their seemingly insurmountable problems. That built my faith, too. That friend who was about to commit suicide has found a job and she’s been thankful to God. The other person is back with her family after surviving as a cash-strapped worker here. Big God, indeed! 

You see, I appreciate all the great material opportunities: finishing a book, a small coffee business, and a scholarship offer by a government university in Sydney, among the many. My heart is humbled and overwhelmed. But the weight of the spiritual blessings seems to matter more to me now, to my surprise. I guess I’m being changed. I’m looking forward to the greater prize that awaits as I forget the past earthly glories without regrets. 

Glory to our Lord!

(I read this as part of our church's Worship and Prayer Night in April. I was asked to share if I have a testimony about how amazing our God is.)

Of Ramyeon and Dating: How it All Began

(This article of mine first appeared on PinoySeoul.com.) 

"Want to go inside for some coffee or tea?" 

This is the much-awaited open invitation uttered by a man or a woman in a Western romantic film or series. But in South Korea, it's not coffee or tea. It's ramyeon, everyone's favorite all-day any-day hot snack or meal. 

We've seen this in many K-drama scenes. Maybe, some have adapted this pick-up line in their dating life already, even though they are not Koreans. Haha! What does it really mean? 

In the book Life in Lockdown: I Caught the K-Fever (The First Wave), Seoul-based English teacher Kate Chang explained that the expression is just a simple invitation with no strings attached: "In One Fine Spring Day (봄날은 간다), the heroine Lee Young-ae tells the man who drove her to the front of her house: 'Do you want some ramen?’ (‘라면 먹을래요?’) After that, their love begins. Because of this scene, the sentence seems to have begun to imply otherwise. 'Do you want some ramen?’ (‘라면 먹을래요?’) simply indirectly expresses permission to come into one’s house. 

The movie in reference is a 2001 film with a character named Eun-soo, portrayed by Lee Young-ae. The phrase "Do you want to eat ramyeon?" was credited to her and become loosely translated in real life to mean: "Do you want to sleep with me?" 

This lovers' love affair with ramyeon had been seen in famous romantic comedies. Try watching What's Wrong With Secretary Kim?, Fight for My Way, Don't Dare to Dream, and lately Mr. Queen. Ramyeon became a centerpiece in some of the sweet scenes where the lovers shared intimate romantic moments, but not "that" moment. The characters were shown to be surprised every time an invitation involving the ramyeon would pop up. It's as if one of them meant something truly malicious. This makes the scene undoubtedly funny. 

Whether this line would taint the image of the innocent ramyeon or not would depend on how we use or abuse that expression. Slurping the ramyeon with gusto with a loved one looks (and tastes) much better, right?  

Having said this, what's your favorite ramyeon dish? Comment below and share your quick recipes. 

BTS, Dynamite Dance Culture, and Asians in America

(This article was first published on PinoySeoul.com by yours truly. Even though I do not live in the U.S., I'm moved by both: BTS's hit song and Asians in America being killed because of their race.)

It was at a convenience shop when I first heard Dynamite. On reflex, my foot began to lightly tap the floor while it plays as I checked the product label I was holding. I got distracted. I realized that it was the much-talked-about Dynamite song everyone was raving about worldwide. Back then I came to know why. It was catchy that I got into its net!

After that, I saw BTS’s appearances on my favorite program, The Tonight Show Starring JimmyFallon. I am not yet a K-pop fan. I’m only a big K-drama follower. But I must admit that Dynamite is a possible gateway towards that direction. I keep playing Dynamite every day. If only Alexa could complain, it would hate me for asking to play the song many times a day. Dynamite has become a staple in my dance workouts, too. I’ve discovered there are too many YouTube instructional videos of Dynamite choreography; not to mention TikTok’s overwhelming content about Dynamite created by different users.

With the group’s meteoric rise, assets in billion dollars, international accolades, and achievements, BTS has truly paved the way for an overhauled dance culture in an otherwise Western-dominated industry. (I’m not even speaking of Blackpink yet.) Google BTS and you will be led to tons of information on the success attached to their name.

But with this uplifting progress for Asian talents, we’ve seen and heard racist commentaries connecting BTS and blaming other Asians in general for the emergence and rise of COVID-19 cases. Worst of all, an incident, too serious to be ignored, happened when a group of Asians was killed in an outrageous attack recently in Georgia. Not all Asians are Chinese. And even if every Asian in the U.S. is Chinese, nobody deserved that.

It was not long ago that black people were the target. Now it is Asians. What is happening in the world? Is hate truly more empowering than kindness? I am not even saying “love” because you can be kind without love. Kindness is basic. I will not go to etymologies and euphemisms. Let’s admit that prejudice is everywhere. Even your people can be biased. Apart from skin color, others gauge us by money, accent, profession, and many other standards. But our biases should not lead us to hate that would eventually lead us to kill. Our biases should be overpowered by our humanness the basic components of which are logic, and civility, if not respect. Now I can honestly say that it’s not just black lives, but Asian lives matter as well, most especially in America.

On a positive note, proving that not all whites are biased against Asians, some personalities and influencers in the U.S. expressed support for the anti-Asian sentiments and love for BTS. I strongly agree that the majority of white Americans have not become insecure that the music scene has been overtaken, temporarily or otherwise, by extraordinary talented Asians from the East. I pity those whose worldview has been poisoned by their self-centered supremacist ideals. It’s just sad that BTS had to be that icon to bear the brunt. They’re supposed to only entertain the world through their excellent musicology. But they’ve become the dartboard of this anti-Asian virus that’s plaguing the U.S. Apart from redefining dance culture, if disentangling from this hate culture means singing, dancing, and speaking with Asian pride, then so be it, BTS. Continue to mobilize your ARMY!

#StopAsianHate #StopTheHate #AsianLivesMatter

(My article is quite serious. So here's a light video to add to your YouTube "likes": The Roots and BTS performing Dynamite. Tell me what you think of the issue by commenting below.)

Into the Light

One of the great things in walking with God is the enlightenment that goes with it. It opens one's eyes to the truths and shuns all the foolish ways one is accustomed to. 

I like this video of our pastor talking about how the transformation took place. Blinded by an occultic practice, he does not pattern his life after the ways of the world anymore. He lives by the power of a sound mind and heart through a life found in the Lord.

This is a funny but truthful video that is worth watching.

Click to watch.

  

You Should Know by Now

This song transports me back in time. Those nights when I would just lay in bed with the lights off, and the radio playing this song softly. If my memory serves me right, those were Sunday nights at 9pm, and the program was Dr. Love hosted by DJ Carlo Sanchez of RX 93.1. 

I was a hopeless romantic. I had my priorities set straight but when it comes to heart matters, I over-analyze with a song in the background. I even wrote my hand-written letters to friends with a footnote or a heading indicating the song that currently played when I was composing the notes. That was my trademark.

The daring thing I did was to send a note to Dr. Love. And boy, was it featured with this song played by the DJ! I requested it because it appropriately described my feelings at that time, all those lovely pent-up emotions brewing within me. But nobody knew. Particularly not that ONE. I was too afraid it could be unrequited. Besides, was I ready for it?

The next daring thing I did was to send another note. This time to Joe D' Mango. Hahaha! His program was a hit. It was aired on late Friday mornings. I was so happy. The DJ read both of the notes that I sent on different dates! The first one was this song, and the other time it was Only Reminds Me of You. 

Those were the simple days of youth. When one should tune in and record on tape favorite songs on the radio. There were no online links to access the replay. No Facebook Live. No YouTube or Podcast. But the '90s teens were happy. 

Thanks to Angela Bofill. This song is a testament to the complex yet simple years. For me, those were the years 1993 to 1995. You should know by now.

Hasn't it crossed your mind?

Haven't you known all the time?

Honestly, tell me now, has it shown?

How much love has grown?

The way I tremble at the sight of you

I want to learn to love you through and through

This I'll vow

You should know by now...

38th!

Birthdays... They are supposed to remind you how another year has been added to your life. Or how many friends and family members can remember and show their appreciation for you on your special day. With or without Facebook reminders.

To me, it's kind of different this year. I was originally planning to have a grand videoke party and invite my closest colleagues and friends. However, the opposite happened. It became a very intimate one. By intimate, I mean just me and my husband dining after office in a Vietnamese restaurant at BGC. I had a very simple and ordinary day. Flashback a few hours before dinner, my officemates surprised me with a delightful chocolate fudge cake during lunch.

I think it's true. That as you grow old, birthdays begin to seem to be just another day in your life. No problem with me.

I guess my main takeaway from yesterday's "special" day is this: Time heals all wounds. God is just. He is the only one who can restore relationships, remove the pain, vindicate you, and make you realize that you have to take things less seriously unless it's about God. I've known these all my life. But sometimes knowing is not doing. I'm grateful that this year, I truly came to grasp its meaning. I've seen this kind of justice all my life. With God, delivering me through all the hard times and separating me from among those who plan wrong things. I became 100% thankful only this year. Late bloomer? Perhaps. They say it's never too late for one to change and become better. Even at 38...  


   

Why Can't I Write a Great Song for You?

Why can't I write a great song for You?
I'm always at a loss for words
My thoughts are filled with amazement
And my heart with gladness
But I sure lack the skill to capture
And write fantastic poetry that will reverberate Your majesty


Why can't I write a great song for You?
I'm just an ordinary person with an average knowledge
Whose vocabulary's not broad enough for a masterpiece
My name is obscure, no niche, no specialty

Why can't I write a great song for You?
Is it my lack of time?
My temperament?
My fears?
My hesitations?
My sorrows?
Or my excuses?

Why can't I write a great song for You?
My meditation tells why
It is because You are truly stupendous that no man
in his own wisdom, skill, greatness, fluency, capacity, or experience
could ever simplify into letter combinations Your holiness
It will be completely careless for man to think that such poetry will be
enough in resounding the Lord's splendor

So with all humility, I apologize for this simple yet heartfelt verse
I cannot produce one great song for You
Because You already know my heart inside and out
To impress would be external
To love and obey You are paramount
Because a clean heart would always be better than a great song... for You

(July 18, 2011)

Flashback Friday

28 March 2010/10:40 pm
Song: “Sometimes a Love Goes Wrong” (96.3 Easy Rock)

One early Sunday evening, I found myself reading my past journals from my senior year in high school until college. They came in handy during this time of lack of things to do. It’s much better than being my usual couch potato self. It’s the start of the Holy Week break, anyway.

Interestingly, what I wrote back then was entertaining. Background music accompanied my browsing. It is an old habit that could not die and a demonstration of my deep affection for radio. The anecdotes were like those of a TV series, mostly sitcoms! Never mind the grammar blunders. I was not the chief of the grammar police yet. (Speaking of love for radio, if I had a choice, I would be willing to go back moonlighting to the industry that I love. It was also the first media office that I got accepted into after graduating from the university.)

While reading, the big smiles of a teenage girl came back to life as I recalled specific remarks of people, the stuff they did, and my reactions to situations. This brought back the fact that many people were part of my loop. In one way or another, they shared a portion of their life with someone like me. Love was also inching its way, alternately followed by a cornucopia of youthful emotions of sadness, regret, anger, jealousy, competition, happiness, filial love, and the profound newfound spirituality. Looking back, life was superbly crisp and colorful. Like the ones in high-definition TVs that effectively captured the moments in their actual, strange yet exciting madness.

It dawned on me again that people, like time, are also fleeting. Even the words we say are also easy to utter and easy to forget. The intensity of how they were said is also easily gone in a wink.

This deep pang of guilt hit me as I realized that I lost a bunch of old handwritten mails from precious friends. Those notes served as witnesses to that time when nothing compared to the old reliable method of hand-carried notes or snail mail. Greeting cards were not electronic but “cute” in their various avant-garde styles of art. The notes also carried many revelations as to who I was and I how handled matters that were, that time, special to me. It is so sad they are currently missing.

My teenage life was not perfect as many of us. But I love the imperfection because God manifested His power and moved me in many ways to my amazement up to now. I told my son that he should look forward to his teenage life. For sure, it will be exciting and colorful as mine. Or maybe even more, with the Lord to guide him.

In the meantime, I'm loving the life God has given me. It may not be the one that I’ve been wishing for. But I know that His ways and plans are always much more grandiose than mine. I am excited about the future because of this.

Signing off for now.



Song: “Cross my Heart” – Everything But the Girl (96.3 Easy Rock)
11:53 pm

Untainted Love

It's all in my head

But when I am out there I'd easily forget

Your pure wisdom

I thought that I have

Has now escaped me

How could it be?

Cruel and tenacious

I think it was courageous

To be on top of things and get ahead

But most often this cracked ideology

Gets the best of me

So what else is there at the end of the road?

How could it be that Your love keeps chasing me

Whatever I put myself into

Your arms are on the rescue

The shame washed away

With your pure, untainted love

Now no more questioning

Just believing and receiving

This pure untainted love


---April 19, 2011

Notes to Self

1. This/these, too, shall pass.

2. Mind your own business.

3. Love. Forgive. It's your choice.

4. Be kind eventhough others are not.

5. Justice is not in your hands.

6. Speak your mind but tame your tongue.

7. Work as if you're working for God.

8. Never glorify yourself.

9. Don't compare yourself with others.

10. In order of priority: God, spouse, child, others.

11. Don't sweat the small stuff.

12. Let go of the negative.

13. The sun will come out tomorrow. :)

Unchanging Love

In times like this 
I seek You 
With longing on my face 
My heart thirsts for righteousness 
and Your overflowing grace 
I have always wanted You 
to be the King of my heart
But when I go out into the world
I always feel so far...
from Your love

But my Lord I thank You
For Your love never fails
Even if in times I sin
You love me
And that doesn't change

My spirit's often broken
My heart, contrite
You know how much I care to please You
But not with my might
Yet oftentimes I see myself
trying hard to be good
But then You assured me...

"My son, My love never fails
Even if in times you sin, I love you
And that doesn't change..."


---April 9, 1998

The Last Respects

Blame it on the funeral convoy we encountered on Skyway en route to my parents'. The comical gas-inducing conversation with my husband made a different turn when it suddenly became morbid: a talk on how we want that "last respect" to be. 

I first told him that my wake should only last for two days, max three. Because I don't want to be much of a burden to family members staying up late for days for that "last respect." I also dislike this tradition where people say only good things about you now that you're dead. It's a total waste of time now that the deceased will no longer hear the loving words. When in fact, it was really all not-so-nice while the person was alive. It peeves me when we have to be melancholic about the death of the person while who-knows-what you were thinking when that person was around. To me, wakes are most often superficial. Well, unless you were really dear to the dead person. I can only name a few sincere ones, including my husband's grandma.

I also requested my husband that I want to be cremated and that grey powdered version of myself will have to be in an urn to be placed somewhere in the house. However, I failed to mention that I prefer that my guitar-shaped tombstone shall have these words carved: #NotByGoodWorks #OnlyByFaith.

My husband, in turn, said he wants to be cremated, too, but that his ashes be scattered onto the mountains. I jokingly told him that it would require so much effort to those who are left to throw his remains. If I were to leave this earth later than he would, I want him to be always with me. I will keep his ashes against his request.

I can't remember how the path of our conversation changed. But we both know that the inevitable will always come. For now, it remains unknown whether the "last respects" will be prolonged and whether our last wishes will happen the way we want them to be. We are still alive and kicking! :-D 

At Last!!!

Finalmente!

Now I have my blogsite after years of attempting to come up with one.

The succeeding pages will be filled with all kinds of entries: prose, poetry, places, pictures, people, pondering, etc.

So, read on... At last!