Fallout Girl: It's Not You, Its Me

 

Looking to (do) the right (thing).

I call myself the "fallout girl" for a reason. I noticed that I am good at making friends despite being an ambivert. The only problem is that many of the friendships I form tend to fall away after a certain period, a few years, or even decades. That is for many various reasons, mostly shallow. 

Most often, I consider myself a misunderstood human being. Whenever I think of this, I wallow in my solitude and, sometimes, weeping silently. Yeah, overdramatic, I know! But it happens occasionally during bouts of hormonal imbalance (or during that time of the month)! 😁😁 

I try fighting off that feeling and thought by praying, asking God, and engaging in humorous conversations with my husband and son. If they're not around, I read or watch something funny. These habits affect me positively because I can cultivate my wit and sense of conversational humor. Then again, it's to enhance my people skills.

Returning to the concept of falling out, I got the urge to write about it after discovering (again) that a couple of FB (former) friends had unfriended me. The consolation is at least they did not block me. In this situation, I don't know why. As far as I know, I did not do anything offensive. We used to be close at work and had many collaborations. But yes, we have grown silent toward each other after leaving my former office. I assume (yes, typical of me) that some rumors may have fueled this cold treatment, that I do not meet their friendship standards. It's a long story stemming from my recommendation to fire an unruly subordinate. That subordinate was a close friend of one of these people who unfriended me. It's a sad narrative, the best and only reason I know.

I can go on telling stories about friends who used to be close to me but have veered away. I can also tell things about interesting new people and friends who remain in close contact despite the distance and time difference, and I know they still appreciate me as I am.

But why am I more disappointed in those who are not that close but I had a falling out with? Rejection hurts. Maybe I am still not tough enough to accept that friends change. I should remember that it does not only happen to me. It happens to the best of us, to those who are gold medalists in the people arena. But still, it's disappointing! And I only blame myself for why I am not good at it. Why I am a "fallout girl." 

It's good that I have a strong family foundation and a husband who enlightens me on issues and rebukes me lovingly. If not, I may have fallen into the pit of social sadness. 

Social media has an impact on this. I'm not exactly a Facebook superstar, and many of my posts only go so far. It's not that I want to be popular or deeply affected by the analytics. It's just tiring to see the fakeness of most posts, so to speak. The worst part is I have an opinion about many of what I read. This means I tend to be critical (if you want to say judgmental) and end up sinning. So, this year, I'll start minimizing my online activities on Facebook. The best I could do is post one or a couple of stories. I wanted to deactivate it, but I handle various accounts for work and other purposes. Sadly.

Again, this is the most candid I could be. If you have any comments or advice, I'd appreciate it. 

Starting the year not overthinking, being happier, wittier, healthier, sweeter, and more loving toward others. With God's help, I know I can say, "It's not me. It's Him."